TEARS ON MY PILLOW

In my opinion, the greatest fear in life is not death. The greatest fear in life is to end up alone. That is why every single day of our lives, we lie. Even when we have no reason to, we lie. We lie about our well-being, we lie about our background, we lie about our situation, we lie about our past, and we just keep lying. Because we are so afraid that people will not accept us as we are. We have to try and fit in to other people’s worlds. We feel like our truth is so ugly that we will be rejected and judged by it. 

Whether your life is going the way you want it to or not, just be happy and never stop to think about what your life was…. Think about what you are going to make your life be. Being good does not cost a dime, be good to everyone whether they hurt you or not just be good. Everyone has their own baggage that they carry from their past. Most of us are not okay because we carry so much pain in our hearts for so long. And you just have no one to talk to because no one truly understands. We might have gone through similar things but the experience is never the same. 

So many times, you think that you can open up to a friend, parent or spouse about whatever you are going through and expect them to understand. But the sad truth is, they will never understand because they do not feel what you feel. They can only go so far as to listen, comfort, talk and be with you. Some of us are surrounded by so many friends but how many do you think you can truly talk to openly about everything, about your life? Most of them will only want to be there during the good times but will not want to listen to your ugly truth.

The most honest people in life have very few friends. When you have been through a lot in life and had no one to really talk to. You learn to keep quiet because silence is better than a lie. Most people say that they want to hear the truth but honestly they do not want to hear it. We take our friends for granted and when they are gone is when you start to appreciate them and wish you had been there for them as much as they were for you. So most nights,… you cry yourself to sleep and wake up the next day refreshed. Because you have to be “okay”.

SOCIETY; THE BULLY

Society in general has expectations, expectations they expect us to live by. The expectations vary according to the community you live in. If you are not from that community and by chance or choice you decide to join that community, there are expectations. Most universities these days have a high number of foreign students enrolled in them. Coming to a foreign country is always scary and you cannot know what to expect… in fact it is better not to expect but just live in the moment. But be aware that every community has stereotypes and racist ideologies about certain nationalities.

For me, coming to Kenya has been one of the most wonderful things in my life. Life may not be bliss…. as it was in Tanzania or my own country… Uganda. But I have learnt a lot of things, mostly bad but all are in preparation for the brutality of the real world, so I am grateful. After spending close to two years in Kenya, the natives expect you to have learnt Swahili and the funny thing is that they expect you to speak it like them, so if your accent is different… it is funny for them. 

This is so discouraging because I know I have to learn Swahili and speak it but it is really annoying having someone laugh every time you speak. I would honestly rather be corrected. I am not saying I have never laughed at a foreigner trying to speak my local language before. But I admit that I was young and naïve by then so to see a grown person who claims to be exposed laughing at another person doing a normal thing is absurd. 

Honestly the Kenyan accent itself is terrible (no offence). Most of their spoken English is greatly influenced by their mother tongues. Even the Kenyans who have studied in Uganda for more than two years still cannot speak Luganda fluently. This does not apply to me, I think I am better at speaking Swahili than a Nigerian… other foreign students also have their own difficulties. But this does not only apply in Kenya, the problem is worldwide. Foreigners everywhere face difficulties learning the native language of the country they are living in.

People should be mature and logical about certain issues, what comes easy for others may be difficult for another. That is not a reason to laugh and make fun of them. As a child, I was a bully and made fun of a lot of people and things. But I grew up and like they say, karma taught me a few lessons. I believe I am still learning but all these things have helped me mature and have a different perspective on life. Every situation is a learning point in my life.

A BLESSING; BEING A WOMAN

This Tuesday, I think I actually had one of my best chapel days. We had separate chapel for ladies and gentlemen,… and honestly the ladies chapel this Tuesday was fruitful and very educative. The greatest women in our “Daystar community” came up to talk to us on various topics concerning being a woman. They talked about the dressing, if the thought of changing our sexuality has ever crossed our minds and a woman’s emotional strength. Of course we could have talked about much more but time was limited. 

The thought of changing my sexuality has crossed my mind more than once because I could not stand the pain that came with going through my monthly periods. There are moments when I cannot leave home because the pain is simply unbearable and if I forced myself to go about my day normally I would get so dizzy to the extent that I thought I was going to pass out. But I did not, I survived through all these months and years. Sometimes the pain killers just do not work but strong black tea did help and when I started doing vigorous exercises, it worked much better. I could go through my monthly periods without much pain,.. pain I could tolerate. 

Every woman’s body is different, we all cope with the pain in different ways,… and for some women the pain is worse so I thank God every day. The pain that comes with giving birth is another thing that I fear,… but I thank God that I fear it because it has kept me in check. These are moments when you can even surrender to God and offer him to take you because of the pain. Women should not be taken for granted because they really deal with a lot of pain. But some women are lucky, they do not experience this pain in excruciating detail. 

Most people like to say, “Dress the way, you wish to be addressed”. And this is true because men are visual, they will fall in love with looks but it is character that makes them stay. If you dress in a skimpy and suggestive way, there is a certain type of people you will attract… like the “hit and run type” and rapists. But if you are dressed in a modest way, you will attract only the right people, people meant to cross your path. Most times we blame people for our own faults, everything that happens to us and the kind of people we encounter, we attract by virtue of our thoughts, character and dressing. So, ladies before you walk out that door, look in the mirror and if you are honestly pleased with what you see… then go ahead.

Women are strong emotionally and can keep a great deal of pain in their hearts but this is only for a short amount of time, eventually everyone breaks down and it is normal to breakdown. Talking and crying is a remedy, a therapy for women to deal with their issues and move on. Men may take it as gossip but it is actually therapy, talking helps women to unload their problems and share them with a friend or spouse. And after talking we feel much better because the burden is lighter, all we needed was someone to listen. Women deal with a lot of emotional pain but at the end of the day,… they still find the strength to carry on with their lives.

DATING A KENYAN

Honestly, relationships are complicated. Even when you think you have dated all kinds of guys, when you are so sure you have encountered every species… a new one comes up. And you know, there is a way the human species is complex. People like things that are different and weird, things that are not familiar to them so when you are a Ugandan and you say that you are dating a Kenyan naturally your Ugandan friends are going to be envious of you and excited to know what it is like, they want to know every little detail about the relationship.

Nobody really understands your situation until they go through it themselves. So, I am guessing anyone of another nationality other than Kenyan can relate or already know what I am going to say because you have been down that road or are still down that road. Kenyan men come off as timid and slow to approach, well I say this because I am used to my Ugandan men who are sharp and quick and go for what they want… (well, majority). By nature and I think because of the influence of the Kenyan culture, Kenyan men are not direct when trying to say something or portray something. They will travel mountains and valleys even when there is a straight path just to make their point.

Do you know how exhausting that is? Not every girl is patient and old fashioned. While you are there travelling mountains and valleys, a West African man will use the straight path and steal the girl from under your nose. And it is not even that we prefer the West African man, it is just that he maneuvered his way faster and got what he wanted while you were wasting time... doing God knows what, with a lot of petty talks and meaningless conversations. 

Well, I do not hate Kenyan men, they are actually fun to be with and easy to relate with but the fact that they are not straight forward…. is just a sleeping pill.

A KNIFE IN MY HEART

Best friends give you life, you share all your secrets and lives together, moments are best experienced with them, you are yourself when you are with them, you let your guard down because you know that is someone you can trust. Some best friends go as far as making other people question your sexuality because you are so comfortable around them that you do not even care. But best friends can make you and break you because they know things about you that no one else does, not even your parents.

Even when you have spent a long time apart, when you finally meet again, it’s like you never left each other. You spend hours talking about nothing and everything, even in silence you are comfortable being with each other. But some friendships are one sided, people hold back for all sorts of reasons, they only tell you what is enough for you to know. Scheming and plotting against people who hurt them is what best friends do, and when they are together they are untouchable.

But when they fall apart, they are weak because each of them knows each other’s deepest and darkest secrets and can use it to their advantage. If best friends do not fight then that is not true friendship but there is a limit to the war. You can only go as far as hurting them in a way that you know can be realistically forgiven but some things hurt so much that a person may forgive but never forget. We are all humans but just because some people act tough and cold does not mean that they do not have feelings.

They say a diamond is the hardest rock but even diamonds break eventually. We all need people to talk to, someone that will always be there unconditionally. But life teaches you to trust no one because even your own shadow leaves you in the dark. People may seem good but everyone approaches you with an agenda behind them and they do not care if that involves hurting you. Some people are born that way. We are all brought up differently but culture still influences the way we behave.