MY STRUGGLE TO SURVIVE

When you look down memory lane, there are a lot of experiences that make us what we are. When I was young, my parents used to leave us home with the house help as they go to work. Most of the time I was kept locked in the room so that I could not disturb and up to now I like staying in my room. It sort of became a natural habit for me to keep myself locked up in the room. I grew up with people who loved dissing so that is also kind of a natural habit, getting dissed does not hurt me and in turn I love to diss, let’s just say it’s a way of communication.

People used to make me feel bad about my skin colour and teeth. I was not born with perfect teeth but right now at least I can smile with the help of my artificial white teeth. From the moment when I realized that my teeth were not perfect, my self-esteem went down. I could not talk freely or smile, I was just quiet most of the time. As for my skin colour, I just had to embrace it. My skin was much darker when I was young, I am still dark now but not as dark. I actually love my skin colour now, I learnt how to fall in love with my colour just from thinking about it in a positive way, black is beauty.

For a long time, I never knew my worth or regarded myself as beautiful. I had to fall in love with my skin colour, my teeth, my body shape in order for me to really appreciate myself and build my self-esteem. When you spend a long time with different kind of people, you learn a lot of things. You learn to talk less and listen more, you learn to know who to trust and who not to, you learn to know what to say with the appropriate crowd and how to behave, generally living with different people teaches you a lot.

Life and people have taught me never to put all my trust in a person, people will always disappoint one way or another. Never expect anything from people, just be thankful if they think of you once in a while. Always keep all your friends even the ones you may term as useless, you may need them at some point in your life. People will always talk and criticize whatever you do or say, you just have to be strong and know the right step to take, do what is best for yourself. 

Whatever I have gone through in my life has made me the strong hearted person I am. Optimistic, open minded to everything. I treat people the same way I would want them to treat me. Generally my attitude depends on the way you treat me. Life shapes us to become the people we are supposed to be. It is important to take everything that you experience in your life as a blessing whether good or bad, think of the good outcome of it. God does not give you what you cannot handle. Out of every bad experience comes a breakthrough.

I JUST CANNOT KEEP HANGING ON

I called you to talk to you and you just sat there and listened, then you got up and left without a word. Getting angry with you was just consuming all my energy and emotions. Night after night I just kept tossing in my bed thinking about where I went wrong. I tried to call you but you would not pick up, I texted but you never texted back. In all that time I was losing myself because I could not find the strength to let go.

You introduced me to all your friends, we had some fun nights, you made it seem like we would last forever. Was it all pretense? Was it all a sick joke? Were you just using me? Or was karma just being a bitch? I think I held on for too long refusing to face the truth. Every time you hurt me, I forgave you and you just kept coming back to hurt me again and again. Then you cut me off without a word or warning.

Every day I feel this pain inside of me, I smile but I am hurting. I cannot seem to find sleep but my tears just cannot come out. I just cannot keep hanging on to the thought of you and me anymore because it is killing me inside. I have no one to talk to because talking about it hurts even more. The ghost of you still haunts me, sometimes I almost hear you calling my name but I just cannot see your face.

My pride will not let me cry or go into depression over the fact of losing you. Your friends keep asking me how you are and I just smile and say, “He is fine”. I will still wake up every morning dress nice and look good. Move on with my life like you never existed. I will still laugh and smile with all my friends. Most importantly, I will not give you the satisfaction of seeing me breakdown.

KNOW WHAT IS GOOD FOR YOURSELF

When I was young most of my friends were close relatives and friends from the neighborhood. But as I started going to school things changed, in nursery everyone is your friend then at primary level your friends start to narrow down to those you share interests with. Then in secondary your first friends are the people you know and probably studied with in primary. As time goes on your friends become the people who will stick by you through the thick and thin, those who have your best interests at heart and those who wish you the best.

When you reach a point in your life when you can become real and true to yourself, you will no longer have space for people who constantly pull you down and make you feel bad about yourself. The only way you can become real and true to your self is by knowing your strengths and weaknesses, your purpose in life, who you are, who you want to be, how you want to get there, your goals, the objectives to achieving your goal and most importantly know your worth.

No amount of negative criticism can pull you down when you know your worth. Be optimistic and positive, it will attract positive things and positive people into your life. At this point in life, you can longer have space for negative people in your life. I never let people go, I just simply move on because if I keep having people who direct me away from what I want in life, they will make me lose myself. No offence but if I stop being your friend, it is not you with the problem, I just realized that I am too good for you.

People constantly walk in the shadows of others, pretend to be what they are not just to please society. Well, you only live once so live a life that pleases you not others because you are living for yourself and not for anyone. God put us on earth for a purpose, so why waste it trying to please others. The moment you accept yourself for who you are and know what is good for you is the moment you will start to feel alive.